A and N!

i cant believe you're gone
two more to the list
as those who left before
you will be really missed

it takes my toll to six
how many more will go
what makes us hurt so much
no one will ever know

none of us deal with it
we just dont share our pain
and one by one we falter
i know i'll fall again

first there was my angel
my hope and guiding light
the one that was my saviour
the one i miss at night

next there was my soldier
the one who made me tough
he gave everything for the queen
but it was not enough

then it was my teddy bear
the soul made to snuggle
tried his hardest to stay happy
but he too lost the struggle

then there was my boffin head
she tried to make me clever
the pain in her head got too much
and there was no more forever

the final two were as one
perfection of true love
its hard to think that they aswell
have travelled up above

first to leave was smilez
he always made spirits high
but all the hate got too much
and he left a heartfelt goodbye

shortly after, the pout went too
who got me 'in the zone'
once his forever love had gone
he couldnt be alone.

R.I.P. My missing family, i know all of you fought the fight for as long as you could and i keep fighting my own battles because you all convinced me to at one time or another. you guys saved my life, each and every one of you and i cant believe you are all gone!

I'll see you guys up there though - save me a seat.

I love you all more than you could ever imagine

xx

july 12 2009

oliver - he needs me

This song seemed appropriate, both in the way i feel about my relationship with someone, the way i feel my best friend in the world is acting and the way i feel a friend is acting with me. People have the ability to change the world if they would just try!!



As long as he needs me..
Oh, yes, he does need me..
In spite of what you see.....
I'm sure that he needs me

Who else would love him still
When they've been used so ill?
He knows I always will..
As long as he needs me

I miss him so much when he is gone
But when he's near me I don't let on.....
The way I feel inside
The love, I have to hide..
The hell! I've got my pride
As long as he needs me

He doesn't say the things he should
He acts the way he thinks he should
But all the same I'll play
This game his way
As long as he needs me..

I know where I must be
I'll cling on steadfastly..
As long as he needs me

As long as life is long..
I'll love him right or wrong
And somehow, I'll be strong..
As long as he needs me

If you are lonely
Then you will know..
When someone needs you
You love them so

I won't betray his trust..
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true, just
As long as he needs me

thursday 02/06

Once upon....

once upon...

once upon a time, you were all i needed.
once upon a dream, you were my happy ending.
once upon a time, you were my best friend.
once upon a dream, we were going to escape.
once upon a time, you begged me to be good.
once upon a dream, i listened to you.

once upon a time, you left me alone.
once upon a dream, you stayed with me.
once upon a time, i wasn't so good.
once upon a dream, you saved me.
once upon a time, i couldn't deal.
once upon a dream, you watched out for me.

once upon a time, i had to face the facts.
once upon a dream, you held my hand.
once upon a time, they told me it was over.
once upon a dream, you held me as i cried.
once upon a time, i had to deal alone.
once upon a dream, you were there for me.

once upon a time, i was happy it was ending.
once upon a dream, i was with you again.
once upon a time, my stupidity killed me.
once upon a dream, i didn't care.
once upon a time became once upon a dream.

Love

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~

Seduce my mind and you can have my body,
Find my soul and I'm yours forever.
~ by Anonymous ~


One word frees us
Of all the weight and pain in life,
That word is Love
~ by Socrates ~

To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten.
~ by Anonymous ~

You love simply because you cannot help it.
~ by Kim Anderson ~

You may only be one person to the world
But you may also be the world to one person.
~ by Anonymous ~

Love seeks to make happy rather than to be happy.
~ by Ralph Connor ~

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.
~ by Antoine De Saint-Exupery ~

Love does not consist in gazing at each other
but in looking together in the same direction.
~ by Antoine de Saint-Exupery ~

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
~ by Sam Keen ~

18/06/09

Troubled Past

Silence...
Tears leave my eyes
As I gently push the shining blade
Downwards on my always pale skin

Crimson...
Blood ebbs and flows
Dripping from the marks
Visualising the pain I feel

Pleasure...
I can feel the blade
Gliding through my flesh
I already know the pain

Shock...
As I gaze at what I have done
I feel proud and amazed
As I leer at the marks I have made

Worry...
Other people are disgusted
They can't comprehend...
Neither do I...

17/06/09

General Musings

Many people have walked in and out of my life,
But only true friends have left footprints on my heart
To deal with most people, I've used my head;
To handle the special few, I've used my heart.
Anger is only a short step from hatred.
And if someone betrays me twice, it is my own fault.

My self and the ones I love discuss hope and joy,
The rest of you discuss people.
Someone who loses material belongings loses a lot,
But someone who loses a friend loses so much more;
Someone who loses faith, in themselves or humanity, loses everything.

Older people are beautiful, like works of art.
I have to try to learn from the mistakes of others
because I can't live long enough
to make them all for myself.

Friends, you and me ...
You brought another friend ...
I brought another friend ...
we started our group ...
our circle of friends ...
and like a circle ...
there is no beginning or end ...


"Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present."

06/06/09

ETA 11:25

Forever feeling like my life is dying
But the doctors just keep on lying.
"It will be ok, you will be fine,
all you need is to give it some time.”

But I'm not ok and i wont ever be
Because stupidity took my chance from me.
One day i'll just stop running
And one day i'll just stop living.

My sorrowful pleas screamed so loudly for help
But they end up only heard by myself
“I’m in pain” I shout, again and again
My innocence cut, my pride has been slain.

But all of my cries fell on uncaring ears
and nobody realized the depth of my fears.
No one noticed my major change
Until I had gone too far out of range.

I wrote out plenty of poems and letters
wishing and praying my life would be better.
they lay the scalpel over my heart
And slowly they slice my body apart.

My parents should cry themselves to sleep
And all of my friends, they really should weep.
If they had loved me, seen when I fell
they wouldn't have left me alone in Hell.

Maybe one day my soul can be free
And maybe then everyone will see
That i'm trying my hardest for as long as i can
but that one day i'll just stop giving a damn.

04/06/09

Dream on

Sitting by my window
staring at the stars
letting my dreams pass me by
but breath by painful breath
I dream on

worries about the future
dreams about the past
Sitting here thinking my life away
but breath by painful breath
I dream on

Feeling more lonely
as the time passes by
Trying to keep you from my heart
but breath by painful breath
I dream on

This is what
I thought I wanted
My wish to be alone is finally come true
so breath by painful breath
I dream on

beginning to lose hope
losing hope in the world
I enter into the endless times of dreams
and breath by painful breath
I dream on

I've got myself stuck
I cant get out
I'm trying to get back to where i want to be
so breath by breath
I dream on

I wanted to be alone
so alone I have to be
I have to conquer all alone as I wished for
but breath by breath
I dream on

I sit in the corner
I'm trying to think
but instead come tears for a friend to come
and moment by moment
I dream on

In my moment of need
came a hand of friend
I grab the hand and let it lift me up
and second by second
I dream on

in this very moment
with the feel of a hand
it was your smiling face that made my soul safe
and breath by breath
my dreams came true

and now you're always there
always by my side
I tried to push you far away but you stayed
and step by awkward step
my dreams come true

you just wait for me
to ask you for help
you were the one who got me back on my feet
and step by pounding step
my dreams come true

You never left
though I thought you would
even though I try to block you out
but leap by leap
my dreams come true

a friend would have gone
and left me alone
but a bestest friend would stay and never ever leave
they really love and when the worst comes they won't let you have it your way.
so day by day
my dreams came true

04/06/09

Back to basics

so here i am, once again, sitting all alone
and all i really need to do is call you on the phone
it seems ive been in this place too many times before
every time i let them know the ailment at my core

i'm promised time and time again that whoever just wont leave
but everytime i fuck it up - its so hard to believe
i fell for it, once again, friendship evermore
and everytime it happens it hurts so much more

i'm thinking back to all the friends that i lost along the way
and how there's not a single one i talk to every day
i talk to you though, all the time, although you cannot hear
for where you are my words just fall upon an angel's ears

one day i know, not far from now, we'll meet once again
for you were not only my one love, but also my bestest friend.

i miss you babe 03-03-03 xx

written 06/03/09

Friendship

This applies to a few different people, I started writing it about someone in particular but then starting thinking about someone else in the middle, and the ending was about someone else again.


I'm looking ahead, it's all brand new
I'm opening my eyes to a new point of view
Now I am scared for not only my life
But also cos I know that it's not all alright

I wish i could protect you all in every way
But I know I'm getting worse at it everyday
I think I'm getting close, in my bonus years
Coming face to face with too many fears

I wish I could stay forever with you
And i know that really, you do too
I really wish that I could always stay around
When I lost myself it was you that I found

You've helped me out in times of need
By my side with super duper speed
But as I think about it all
I know when I fall, I'll need to just fall

You'll try to catch me with your angel wings
You won't understand the extra pain it brings
My tears will wash all of it away
And say all the words I wish I could say

All these things that I keep in my heart
Hidden away, so we'll never part
You say you'll always stay, you'll never leave
But it's happened so much, it's hard to believe

But the fear keeps me safe, and helps me learn
But now I am just scared more than concerned
I don't wanna leave you, don't wanna go
I just want to keep you, selfish I know

My heart is full, of you, cos you're 'mine'
Belonging to me until the end of time
Not only a friend but so much more
A soulmate I have loved, and begun to explore

I'm pretty terrified, but I think it will pass
cos I think I feel safe, maybe, at last!

06/02/09

The Dream

When i read this back i realised it sounded a bit "Dr Seuss" but still...

Late at night when I lie in our bed
staring at shadows up over my head
i think of you and I rub at my eyes
and I whisper to God and I ask Him why?

Why he took you and why did you go?
I want to know why, i just want to know.
I can't go on, i don't think i can
But I know that it's all just part of the 'plan'.

I can't stop the feelings, my eyes start to cry
and I feel just so sad that i think i might die,
It hurts that I knew it was you all along,
It hurts that you're not where you belong.

And then I will see you, up close in our bed,
staring at shadows up over my head,
I tell you I love you as my eyes fill with tears
and it feels even worse when i know you don't hear

when I ask for reasons and my eyes start to cry
and I feel just so lonely I think I might die,
I listen so hard and i hear you singing
that it isn't the end, it's the beginning

a song so sweet but i know it's not true
because all i need in my arms is you.

I see you there, you're just in my head
I'm wrapped up in sorrow, wrapped up in my bed
you smile at me, you can see my pain,
and you tell me 'we'll be together again.'


02/06/09